Domestic Abuse and Neurodivergence: What We Need to Talk About

The Most Common Challenges Neurodivergent People Face

Most people with SEN or who are neurodivergent encounter one or more of the following:

1. Misunderstanding and Mislabelling

From early on, they’re often mislabelled as lazy, difficult, attention-seeking, or defiant. Behaviour that’s actually a form of sensory overload, communication difficulty or trauma response is mistaken for rudeness or bad parenting.

2. Low Self-Esteem

Years of not meeting expectations—at school, in friendships, in communication—can lead to internalised shame. Being told you’re “wrong” or “too much” conditions people to feel unworthy or inadequate, setting the stage for abusive dynamics later on.

3. Communication Barriers

Some struggle to process spoken language in real time. Others speak fluently but find it hard to explain feelings, read social cues, or detect manipulation. These gaps can make it difficult to identify abuse or ask for help.

4. Sensory Sensitivities

Many neurodivergent people experience the world more intensely—loud noises, smells, certain textures or environments can feel overwhelming. This can lead to anxiety, fatigue, and shutdowns, which abusers may weaponise.

5. Social Isolation

Finding and keeping healthy relationships can be challenging when you communicate or interact differently. People often settle for what they can get, rather than what they deserve, out of fear of being alone.

Less Recognised or Uncommon Challenges

There are also difficulties that don’t get as much attention, but still play a big role:

– Masking and Burnout

Masking is when someone suppresses their natural behaviours to “pass” as neurotypical—forcing eye contact, copying body language, or hiding stimming. Over time, masking leads to exhaustion, burnout and a fractured sense of identity. It also means abuse can go unnoticed, because the person appears to be coping well on the surface.

– Literal Thinking

Some autistic individuals interpret things very literally. If an abuser says, “I’m only doing this because I love you,” or “You’re just overthinking it,” that can be taken at face value, making it harder to recognise manipulation.

– Executive Function Struggles

Planning, organising, making decisions and managing time or tasks can be very difficult. This can lead to dependency on a partner, making it easier for someone to step in and take over under the guise of being “helpful” or “protective”—when in reality, it’s control.

– Delayed Emotional Processing

Some neurodivergent people don’t realise how they feel until much later. They may only register the impact of abuse after the moment has passed, making real-time boundary setting incredibly difficult.

Growing Up Neurodivergent: Laying the Groundwork

For many SEN or neurodivergent individuals, childhood is full of invisible wounds. The systems meant to support them—schools, healthcare, sometimes even family—often don’t understand them. They might be excluded from the classroom, bullied by peers, or labelled as a “problem child” rather than a child in distress.

Imagine constantly being told you’re overreacting, too sensitive, or making things up. Or being punished for behaviours you can’t control, like fidgeting, needing silence, or reacting strongly to smells or textures. That repeated experience of not being believed or understood lays the groundwork for future gaslighting.

Many grow up feeling like the burden in every room—tolerated rather than accepted. This makes them far more likely to tolerate poor treatment later in life, because that’s what they’ve come to expect.

What is Gaslighting, Really?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where the abuser deliberately makes someone doubt their perception of reality. It’s not just lying—it’s manipulation with the goal of destabilising the other person’s sense of self.

For neurodivergent people, who may already question their reactions or struggle with social cues, gaslighting can be particularly destructive.

Examples of Gaslighting in Action:

1. “You’re overreacting—why are you so sensitive all the time?”
   This plays on sensory sensitivities or emotional processing differences. It invalidates the person’s natural response and makes them second-guess their instincts.

2. “That’s not what I said—you always twist things.”
   For someone who struggles with memory or processing, this can feel like a genuine failing on their part, leading to self-doubt and silence.

3. “Everyone else gets on fine with me—it must be you.”
   A classic tactic that plays into fears of being the odd one out or always getting it wrong socially. The implication is that the victim is the problem, not the abuser.

Over time, gaslighting erodes confidence and creates a dependency where the person looks to the abuser for guidance on what’s “real.”

What You Can Do If You Suspect Abuse

If you support or work with SEN or neurodivergent individuals, your role is vital. These are some practical ways to help:

• Believe them. If something feels off to them, take it seriously—even if they can’t explain it clearly.

• Adjust how you ask. Open-ended questions like “How do things feel at home?” or “What happens when you disagree with your partner?” are better than “Are you being abused?”

• Notice patterns. Look out for frequent shutdowns, sudden regressions, or increased compliance and fearfulness.

• Work at their pace. It may take longer to build trust or for someone to name what’s happening—but that doesn’t mean nothing is happening.

• Advocate for tailored support. Standard services often don’t meet neurodivergent needs. Push for adaptations and inclusive resources wherever possible.

Final Thoughts

SEN and neurodivergent individuals are not broken. They are not “difficult” or “less capable.” But the world often treats them that way—and abusers use that to their advantage.

The silence around this issue is harming people. It’s time we not only include neurodivergent voices in our understanding of domestic abuse, but centre them. Because until systems, services, and society truly adapt, these individuals will remain vulnerable—not because of their differences, but because those differences are still being ignored.

If you’re reading this and something resonates—whether for you or someone you care about—I want you to know this: you’re not imagining it, you’re not alone, and you deserve support that actually understands you.

As someone who is neurodivergent myself and who has experienced domestic abuse first-hand, I know how isolating and confusing it can be. I also know how powerful it is when someone truly gets it. I’m here to support you—whether you’re just beginning to question things, stuck in survival mode, or trying to rebuild your life on your own terms.

You are not too much. You are not the problem. And there is a way through this.

Next Steps: You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

If you recognise yourself in anything I’ve written, know that you don’t need to have all the answers before reaching out. Whether you’re unsure if what you’re experiencing counts as abuse, struggling to explain what’s happening, or simply feeling lost and exhausted—there is support that understands your needs and your neurodivergence.

Here’s how you can begin:

• Reach out to someone you trust. A friend, therapist, support worker, or helpline. You don’t need to explain everything perfectly—just starting the conversation can bring relief.

• Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, it usually is. You don’t need evidence to deserve help.

• Adapted support is available. You deserve care that works with your brain, your body, and your reality. Not against it.

If you’re looking for tailored, neurodivergent-aware support around domestic abuse:

• You can connect with me directly for 1:1 sessions, and for a reflective space.

• For urgent help or safety planning, contact National Domestic Abuse Helpline (UK): 0808 2000 247.

You are not too sensitive. You are not imagining it. And it is not your fault.
Help that understands how you think, feel, and function can make all the difference.