Navigating Strained Sibling Relationships: A Path to Healing and Harmony

The Complexity of Sibling Relationships

Sibling relationships can become strained for many reasons. Perhaps you’ve experienced a breakdown in communication, frequent arguments, or long periods of silence. Maybe unresolved childhood issues are casting long shadows into adulthood. Or perhaps the dynamic has shifted as you’ve all grown older, and the things that once connected you now seem distant or irrelevant.

Here are some of the most common sibling dynamics that can become difficult to navigate:

• Brother-Brother: Brothers can often experience rivalry, competition, and a struggle for dominance, particularly if they’ve been raised in an environment where toughness and stoicism are valued. If one brother feels overshadowed or if there’s a history of competition, this can breed resentment.
• Sister-Sister: Sisters can sometimes experience friction rooted in comparison, whether in terms of appearance, success, or perceived favouritism from parents. Emotional closeness can feel fraught with envy, and sometimes, sisters find themselves playing the roles of caregiver or competitor.
• Brother-Sister: These relationships can sometimes fall into traditional gender role expectations, where a brother may feel protective but distant, or a sister might take on a more nurturing role. These dynamics can lead to feelings of inequality or emotional disconnection.
• Step-Siblings: When step-families are formed, it’s not uncommon for siblings to struggle with feelings of competition for their parent’s attention or affection. Loyalty to biological parents can further complicate these relationships.

Sibling Rivalry and Family Dynamics

Sibling rivalry is one of the most common issues that surfaces in therapy, especially when there’s a history of competition for attention, resources, or affection. Often, rivalry is intensified by the roles each sibling assumes in the family dynamic, and these roles can persist into adulthood. For example, one sibling may have been the “responsible” one, while the other was perceived as the “rebellious” one, or one may have been labelled the “golden child,” while another took on the role of the “scapegoat.” These roles—whether assigned by parents or developed organically—can define how siblings relate to one another, sometimes with lingering resentment.

Parental Influence is a key factor in sibling relationships. Whether parents realise it or not, they can directly or indirectly influence how siblings get along. For example, when parents play favourites—whether intentionally or not—it can breed feelings of inadequacy or jealousy in the less favoured sibling. If parents consistently compare their children or pit them against each other, it can set up a lifetime of competition and unresolved tension. Alternatively, parents who fail to nurture healthy communication between their children may find that their kids drift apart as adults.

Sibling Issues in Therapy

One insightful resource I highly recommend is the book Sibling Issues in Therapy, which delves into the complexities of sibling relationships and how they manifest in therapy. One of the key learnings from the book is that sibling issues often centre around unresolved childhood dynamics. These dynamics can shape how siblings perceive themselves and each other well into adulthood. Therapy often reveals that many sibling conflicts stem from feelings of abandonment, jealousy, or unmet needs that were never adequately addressed.

The book also explores sibling role positions—the idea that your birth order and family role can significantly affect how you interact with your siblings. For example:

• The eldest child may feel a sense of responsibility and pressure to set a good example, which can lead to tension with younger siblings who feel stifled or overlooked.
• The middle child might struggle with feelings of being invisible, which can create resentment towards the more noticed eldest or youngest siblings.
• The youngest child may be perceived as the most carefree or spoiled, which can lead to frustration from older siblings who have more responsibilities.

Understanding these roles can help siblings untangle long standing feelings of resentment or misunderstanding.

Understanding “Older Child Syndrome” and How It Can Be Changed in Adulthood

If you’re the eldest sibling, you may have heard of “older child syndrome” or perhaps have felt its effects without even realising it. As the firstborn, there are certain expectations and pressures that often shape your personality and behaviour, sometimes in ways that continue well into adulthood. But what exactly is older child syndrome, and how can it be addressed if it’s holding you back in your adult relationships or life in general?

Let’s dive into what this syndrome entails and how, with some awareness and effort, it can be reshaped in adulthood.

What is “Older Child Syndrome”?

“Older child syndrome” refers to the common traits, patterns, and behaviours often seen in firstborn children due to their unique role within the family. Eldest siblings frequently assume more responsibility, are held to higher expectations, and are often viewed as role models for their younger siblings. These early experiences can lead to certain characteristics, some of which are positive, while others can be more challenging.

Here are some of the common traits associated with older child syndrome:

1. Responsibility: Firstborns often find themselves acting as a “mini-parent” to their younger siblings, which can make them feel a strong sense of responsibility—not just for themselves, but for others around them.

2. Perfectionism: Many older children grow up with a desire to meet their parents’ high expectations. This can create a drive for perfection and a fear of making mistakes.

3. Leadership Tendencies: Being the eldest often means stepping into leadership roles from a young age—whether that’s being the decision-maker in sibling disputes or setting a good example. This can foster strong leadership qualities, but it can also lead to feeling burdened or overbearing at times.

4. Control Issues: Because older children are used to being in charge or having to manage things, they may develop control issues. They might find it difficult to relinquish control in group situations, relationships, or even at work, where they feel everything must be done “their way.”

5. Pressure to Succeed: Eldest children are often the first to go through various life milestones, from school to university and beyond. As such, there can be enormous pressure to succeed, which can lead to anxiety or self-criticism when things don’t go perfectly.

While these traits can serve older children well in many aspects of life, they can also cause stress and tension, particularly in adulthood when those early roles may no longer fit or feel healthy.

How Can “Older Child Syndrome” Be Changed in Adulthood?

The good news is that it’s entirely possible to work through the challenging aspects of older child syndrome in adulthood. By becoming aware of how your role as the eldest sibling has shaped you, you can begin to make intentional changes in how you approach relationships, responsibilities, and self-expectations.

Here are a few ways to start addressing and transforming the effects of older child syndrome:

1. Release the Pressure to Be Perfect

One of the key traits of older child syndrome is perfectionism, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy when you don’t meet impossibly high standards. In adulthood, it’s important to recognise that perfection is not only unattainable but also unnecessary. Mistakes are a natural part of life, and they don’t diminish your worth. Learning to embrace imperfection, both in yourself and others, can lead to a much more relaxed and fulfilling life.

Try to remind yourself that it’s okay not to have everything under control all the time and that asking for help doesn’t make you weak—it’s a sign of strength.

2. Practice Letting Go of Control

Many older children struggle with control, often feeling that they need to manage everything to ensure things go smoothly. In adulthood, however, constantly being in control can lead to exhaustion and strained relationships, especially if others feel you’re being overbearing.

One helpful exercise is to actively practise letting go in small, manageable ways. Allow others to take the lead in situations, delegate tasks without micromanaging, and remind yourself that things don’t have to be perfect to work out. Over time, you’ll feel more comfortable trusting others and releasing the need for control.

3. Set Boundaries with Responsibilities

Older children often feel a sense of responsibility for everyone around them, which can lead to burnout. In adulthood, this might show up as taking on too much at work or in personal relationships, feeling like you always need to be the one who “fixes” things for others.

Learning to set healthy boundaries is essential. It’s okay to say “no” when something isn’t your responsibility or when you’re feeling overwhelmed. You can still be a caring, supportive person without shouldering the burden of everyone else’s problems.

4. Shift from Competition to Collaboration

In sibling dynamics, older children might feel competitive, striving to be the best or constantly comparing themselves to younger siblings. In adulthood, this competitive mindset can carry over into other relationships or professional settings.

Instead of viewing others as competitors, focus on collaboration and teamwork. Remember that success doesn’t have to be a solo journey—you can achieve great things alongside others, and mutual support can bring more joy and fulfilment than competition.

5. Redefine Your Role in Relationships

One of the biggest challenges for eldest children is recognising that their role within the family (and in life) can change. You no longer have to be the “responsible one” all the time. In adulthood, relationships should be based on equality, not old roles that no longer serve you or your siblings.

By acknowledging this, you can approach your relationships—both with family and others—with fresh eyes, allowing yourself to be seen as an individual, not just as “the eldest.”

Moving Forward

Breaking free from the patterns of older child syndrome requires time, self-awareness, and a willingness to change. But the reward is worth it—a more balanced, fulfilling life, where the positive traits of being the eldest (such as leadership and responsibility) are embraced, while the more challenging aspects (such as control and perfectionism) are softened.

If you recognise yourself in some of these traits, take a moment to reflect on how being the eldest has shaped your experiences and relationships. Then, consider how you can begin to let go of the unnecessary pressure, perfectionism, and control, replacing them with healthier, more flexible ways of being. You deserve to live a life where you feel at ease with yourself and your relationships, unburdened by the old expectations that no longer serve you.

With time and effort, you can redefine what it means to be the eldest sibling in a way that works for you as an adult.

How Can Siblings Begin to Reconnect?

If you’ve found yourself in a situation where there’s been a falling out or ongoing tension with your sibling, I want to assure you that reconciliation is possible. Here are a few ways you might begin to reconnect and rebuild the relationship:

1. Acknowledge Past Hurts: It’s important to openly acknowledge any past conflicts or unresolved issues. Pretending they never happened only sweeps the problems under the rug. Even if it’s uncomfortable, being able to say, “I’m sorry for how I behaved,” or “I know I hurt you” can be a powerful first step.
2. Establish New Boundaries: Relationships evolve, and sometimes what worked in childhood doesn’t work in adulthood. Setting new boundaries—whether they’re about communication, time spent together, or emotional space—can help ensure that both you and your sibling feel respected.
3. Seek Therapy Together: Sometimes, the best way to rebuild a strained relationship is with the help of a therapist who can guide both of you through difficult conversations. Family therapy can be incredibly helpful in unpacking years of built-up tension.

Practice Patience: Rebuilding a relationship doesn’t happen overnight. Be patient with yourself and your sibling as you try to mend the bond. It may take time for both of you to trust each other again or to settle into a healthier dynamic.

Tips for Sibling Harmony in Adulthood

As adults, siblings have the unique opportunity to redefine their relationship. Here are a few tips for fostering harmony:

• Communicate Openly: Make a conscious effort to have honest and clear communication. Don’t let issues fester—address them calmly and respectfully.
• Focus on Shared Values: Instead of focusing on what separates you, emphasise what you both value. Whether it’s shared memories, family traditions, or mutual goals, building on common ground can help strengthen your bond.
• Let Go of Old Roles: Recognise that you’re not the same people you were as children. Let go of the roles you might have played growing up, and allow each other to grow into who you are today.
• Spend Quality Time: Even as adults with busy lives, making an effort to spend time together—whether it’s a simple phone call, a holiday gathering, or a coffee date—can help maintain the connection.

Conclusion

Sibling relationships can be some of the most complicated but also the most rewarding bonds in our lives. Whether you’ve experienced sibling rivalry, emotional distance, or unresolved conflicts, there is hope for healing. It takes effort, understanding, and sometimes the help of therapy, but rebuilding a strong and supportive sibling relationship is possible—and worth the journey.

If you’re ready to take that first step towards reconnection, know that it’s never too late to heal old wounds and create a new, more fulfilling relationship with your sibling.