Menu
Domestic abuse isn’t just about physical violence. The official UK definition describes it as “any incident or pattern of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour, including sexual violence, in the majority of cases by a partner or ex-partner, but also by a family member or carer.”
That’s the legal definition. But if you’re living it, you might not see it in such clear terms. You might just feel like you’re constantly treading carefully, trying not to say or do the wrong thing. You might feel drained, anxious, or like you’ve lost your sense of self. Maybe you wonder if it’s really abuse—after all, they don’t hit you, or they apologise after, or they tell you it’s your fault.
Domestic abuse can take many forms, and it affects both women and men. It might look like:
For a woman, abuse might mean being told she’s worthless without him, being constantly criticised until her self-esteem is in tatters, or living in fear of the next violent outburst — never knowing what might set him off. It can be a slow erosion of confidence, a gradual isolation from friends and family, or a constant walking on eggshells. Many women describe feeling trapped, as if no matter what they do, it’s never enough. Over time, the lines between love and control blur, leaving them doubting their own reality.
For a man, abuse can look different but the emotional devastation is just as real. It might mean enduring relentless emotional manipulation — being made to feel guilty, worthless, or constantly “not good enough”. It can involve threats to take his children away if he dares to leave, being shamed into silence, or even facing physical violence. Because of societal expectations around masculinity, many men feel unable to seek help. They worry they won’t be believed, or worse, that they’ll be ridiculed for “allowing” it to happen.
Abuse cuts across gender, age, class, race, and sexuality. While the experiences can differ, the emotional and psychological impact — the fear, shame, confusion, isolation, and loss of self — is heartbreakingly similar.
At the core of all abuse is a dynamic of power and control.
The Power and Control Wheel helps us to understand the many ways an abuser can dominate and manipulate a partner. It’s not just about physical violence. It’s about threats, intimidation, financial control, humiliation, isolation, and psychological cruelty.
The goal is always the same: to break down the other person’s confidence, limit their freedom, and establish dominance.
The Power and Control Wheel shows that abuse is not a series of isolated incidents — it’s a pattern. It’s a systematic way of gaining and maintaining control.
Examples include:
In contrast, a healthy relationship is built on a foundation of equality, respect, and mutual care.
The Equality Wheel offers a clear model of what this should look like in real life.
In a healthy relationship:
Healthy love feels safe, supportive, and freeing.
It doesn’t leave you second-guessing yourself or living in fear. It doesn’t strip you of your confidence or independence. Instead, it nurtures your growth, your happiness, and your sense of self.
If you’ve lived through abuse, recognising what’s healthy can feel almost alien at first. That’s completely understandable. Healing involves re-learning what love is supposed to feel like — and trusting that you are worthy of it.
Realising you’re in an abusive situation is a big step. But that doesn’t mean leaving is simple. The fear of what happens next can feel overwhelming.
Some people don’t realise they are in an abusive relationship until much later—what they do know is that they can’t keep living this way. They may recognise that their relationship has become toxic, unhealthy, and damaging to their wellbeing. Whether you’ve fully acknowledged the abuse or you just know something isn’t right, your feelings are valid.
You might tell yourself they need both parents. Maybe you think that, despite the abuse, they are still a good parent. But abuse doesn’t just affect the person being targeted—it affects everyone in the home.
Children don’t just witness abuse; they experience it. Even if they aren’t physically harmed, the emotional damage of living in an abusive home stays with them. They learn that love is tied to fear and control. They see the tension, the unpredictability, the fear in your eyes. They may blame themselves or grow up thinking that relationships are supposed to feel this way.
A person who abuses their partner cannot be a good parent. A good parent provides safety, security, and emotional stability—not an environment of fear and control. Leaving isn’t just for you—it’s for them, too. A home without abuse is the best thing you can give your children.
Maybe you don’t have savings. Maybe they control all the money. Maybe you have nowhere to go. Financial abuse is real, and it’s a key reason many people feel trapped.
It can feel like there’s no way out, but help exists. There are organisations that provide emergency housing, financial aid, and support to help you regain independence. Even small steps—saving a little money when you can, finding out about benefits, reaching out for advice—can start the process of breaking free.
Abusers want you to believe you can’t survive without them. They want you to think no one will help you, that you’re not strong enough, that you’ll never make it alone.
But those are lies.
Yes, leaving is hard. It’s scary, unpredictable, and it might feel like stepping into darkness. But you don’t have to do it alone. Support exists. People will help. You are capable of rebuilding your life, even if you don’t believe it yet.
If you’re in immediate danger, call 999. If you need advice, organisations like Women’s Aid, Refuge, and the National Domestic Abuse Helpline are there to support you. For men experiencing domestic abuse, organisations like Mankind Initiative and Men’s Advice Line offer guidance and help.
You don’t have to have all the answers today. You don’t have to do everything at once. But you can take one step. Whether it’s reaching out to a trusted friend, researching support services, or even just allowing yourself to acknowledge that you deserve better—each step brings you closer to freedom.
You are stronger than you think. And when you’re ready, there is a way out.
If you need help, these organisations provide support across the UK and in London:
For those in Southwark, additional local support is available:
Recognising the signs of abuse is brave.
Choosing something better is powerful.
You deserve a relationship built on trust, respect, and freedom — nothing less.
If you’re ready to take the next step, know that support is out there.
Your life belongs to you. Your story is not finished yet.
Hi there, my name is Carina,
I support survivors of domestic violence / Intimate partner violence, to understand and process the emotional and psychological symptoms so that you live your life feeling safe in your own skin, gain peace and joy in everyday moments and trust yourself and others again.
Camberwell
Southwark
London SE5 7HN
©BeSeenCounselling2025
©2025
Be Seen Counselling
